The Problem With Making Mud Pies

I snap so many pictures of the house project on my phone that there seems to be an unending number of things to focus on with the renovation on this blog. But obviously life as a family continues to march on between the plumbing and the electrical. And nothing about life with a 2 year old is normal. So weaved throughout this post are VERY random iphone pictures of homegirl from the last few weeks.

Anyway, beyond the obvious discussions about paint colors and whatnot there have been a lot of conversations and considerations about balance when it comes to this house remodel. Considerations in the context of finance and considerations in the context of family and considerations in the context of faith.

Financially, we've tried to balance what we can afford with what the house can handle for resale down the road. The last thing we want to do is drown our savings only to never make that money back if we ever decide to move. So figuring out how much the neighborhood can handle has been a huge question mark. If we repave the driveway will we get that money back? But everyone else on the block has a partially unpaved driveway so maybe we're over-investing in that way. Would the kind of family who would want to live that far east care about having marble countertops? Or are the people willing to spend that kind of money wanting to be on the Kansas side anyway? Thoughts like that are constantly being cycled through our minds as we pick between high end and middle of the road finishings. And knowing all the while that to base our decisions off of the unknown person who may or may not ever buy this house in the future would be silly, too. Because, heck, this could be our forever house. Or at least our 10 year house. And even if it's only our 3 year house, don't we want to enjoy it for those 3 years?

But then there's the very big consideration of balancing family in so far as this remodel is concerned. How do we create a lifestyle where we can focus more on our kids and our marriage than on the project happening in the next room? How do we make sure we're not shuffling our kids off to watch a movie so we can finish up the closet we're building or the vanity we're trying and failing to install? How do we manage not to cry when Annie grabs John's roller full of primer and smears it across the living room walls we'd finished painting the day before? Because she didn't ask for this remodel. And her childhood shouldn't be dictated by it. So how do we find that balance? And yes, we could go ahead and replace the garage door to fit 2 cars this fall. But by doing so we'd be ripping up the patio and a lot of the yard. Is 2 cars under 1 roof worth removing the opportunity of playing in the backyard with our kids this fall while the work is being done? Are new curtains worth having to clear off the dining room table of the sewing machine every night in order to have dinner?

Living through remodels is stressful. We've never done it on this large a scale before but I tell you what if I didn't have some sort of painting/tiling/molding project going on every week of the year at our condo last year. And it was trying on our family life.

I'm a big believer in your home needing to be a place where you can breathe. That it ought to be a place of peace for you where you surround yourself with beautiful things that you love. But getting to that point can be messy and chaotic. And it begs the question, is it worth it? There's a balance that John and I wrestle to find. How do we create the home we want to raise our family in and yet not destroy our family in the process of creating it?

And finally, and most importantly, there's this Jesus guy and how he fits into our remodel. I know, you're thinking, what? Kylie, he doesn't fit into your remodel. But, for real, you have no idea. It's a big deal to Jesus what shade of green you pick out for your nursery. And he's not a fan of popcorn ceilings. So get 'em gone, people.

Ok, I'm kidding. Those things are just big deals to me. But Jesus is a big factor in this remodel. Because spending more time on Pinterest and Lonny than in the Word is a problem. Or maybe it's not something you judge by increments of time. But caring more about getting in your design blog fix in than in spending time with the Lord is a problem. A big one. And I do it. Nearly daily.

As basic as the 10 commandments, we're told not to put other gods before Him. And though we may not have wooden statues or golden calves that we bow down to, we easily worship other gods before Him every day. Tim Keller says in his book Counterfeit Gods that an idol is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give. It is in such a controlling position in your heart that you can spend most of your passion and energy, your emotion and financial resources on it without a second thought. The true God of your heart is what your thoughts effortlessly go to when there is nothing else demanding your attention.

An idol is a good thing made an ultimate thing. I believe that designing your home is a good thing. But not when you live and die by it more than you live and die by Jesus. Not when it becomes the determining factor of most decisions you make. Not when it's what you turn to get your affirmation, your acceptance and your approval.

And for me, in a remodel like this, it's the greatest threat. The biggest problem of this remodel is not whether the countertops will be installed on time. It's not whether the hardwoods will dry in time. It's whether designing this house will clutch my heart more than Jesus. It's whether I make an idol out of it. It's whether I'm more concerned about creating a beautiful room than I am about my relationship with God. And today, I am. Today and yesterday I focused more on making a statement with the backsplash than I did on Jesus.

Maybe for you it's your job. Or it's your idea of the perfect family that has become your idol - that has consumed your thoughts. Maybe it's your body. Or your income. Maybe your idol is the image you give of yourself on Instagram. Maybe it's all of the above. I have a long list of idols, too. But the house is at the top.

I've never forgotten a lyric I heard Mac Powell sing years and years ago. He said, "Lord, take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to you." That's how I feel. I'm not saying we're pulling the plug on the kitchen remodel. I'm FOR SURE not saying that. Because, by golly a plywood box of a kitchen with no appliances is no way to live!

But God, rip down this house from the highest place in my heart. Put it in its right place. Put it in a good place. A healthy place. And God, create in me a clean heart. One that adores you above all else. One that is more concerned about carving out time with you than about carving out time with a stack of Domino magazines.

So, yes, this remodel has been stressful. There are have been unforeseen construction problems. And financial considerations have weighed heavily. But above all, before all and beyond all, there's the problem of my heart and whom I've given it to. I've given it to a house with chipped brick and patched stucco, creaking hardwoods and uneven ceilings. I love, love, love how C.S. Lewis says it in The Weight of Glory:

<<The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust in them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.>>

I think God has placed in me a passion for design. I believe that. I believe it's a good thing. I believe it's something I ought to pursue and develop. But I can't let myself believe in it. And if I did let myself continue to believe in it as I have recently, I would be selling myself short. If I let myself be fooled into thinking it's the ultimate giver of satisfaction and joy, I'd be sorely dismayed.

<<It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.>>

Lord, let me not ever again believe that more joy will come from a finished house than from a relationship with you. Let me not be satisfied making mud pies.